There are very few things I’m super confident in saying. But one thing I am 100% certain of is that we have a rockin’ marriage.

This is not by default. We have worked and continue to work HARD for our marriage. We fight for it daily. Sometimes hourly. It is not easy. But we are so proud of what we have created.

Our first year of marriage, we were hit with something we were completely surprised by. I know your wheels are spinning now…but what we were hit with was everyone else’s view on marriage.

We were told on MULTIPLE occasions to “enjoy the newlywed phase while it lasts…” or “just give it a few years and tell me how much you love each other.”

And to be honest, we were’t all that surprised. We’ve watched our fair share of marriages struggle, but we were SO blessed to have Alex’s parents as a role model. They are more in love than most marriages combined. So we knew that kind of love could last.

So we searched to find out how. How to cultivate a passionate, exciting, confident marriage. We got super involved in our church’s premarital counseling…and the rest is history. What we have learned through that class is how we have built the foundation for our marriage.

We helped with administrative aspects for years, and then started facilitating tables of couples who were engaged. And during that time…our marriage has been built into by the mentors in the group. It’s been the biggest blessing.

It has not always been easy, especially when kids were thrown in the mix. But we have fought hard for it.

So with over seven years of marriage under our belts…here are our three main tips for cultivating a marriage you can be proud of.

Make Your Marriage The Foundation Of Your Family

We feel so very strongly that a strong, healthy marriage will produce a strong and healthy family. But a struggling marriage will boil over into your family life. If you are feeling frustrated with how your family unit is working, take a good look at your marriage. It will be humbling. But use this as motivation to strengthen your bond. This will require sacrifice. Time: you will need to make a commitment to spend the time it takes to work on your marriage. Going on a marriage retreat, doing couples counseling, making date nights a priority. All will require time. Money: dates and retreats and counseling all require a financial commitment. I promise all of that combined will be cheaper than a divorce. Promise. Emotional: It will be emotionally exhausting to work through pain and frustration. Our hearts get so hardened, and they are hard to soften. However, it will be worth it. But friends…having a strong marital foundation for your family will create a lasting unit that is more beautiful than you can imagine.

Be A Student of Your Spouse’s Love Language

When we talk with friends who are struggling in their marriage, 9/10 times we boil the issue down to one person not feeling loved. And 9/10 times it’s because one or both spouses doesn’t know how to love their spouse well. If you have not done the Love Language Test you need to as quickly as humanly possible. Love languages also play out with coworkers, siblings, parents, children, etc. I’m constantly thinking “what is their love language and how can I love them well” If you want, I can do an entire post about love languages, but friends…learn your spouse’s love language…and LOVE THEM THAT WAY! Alex’s love language’s are physical touch and words of affirmation. So the first thing I try to do when he comes in the door after work is hug him. Really freaking tight. So he knows he is loved. I try to write him notes and encourage him, but words of affirmation is also so important because I am a quick processor and can say harsh things that will tear him down quickly. I’m learning to be slow to speak and choose my words wisely. My love languages are gifts and quality time. So Alex bringing be home a new nail polish means he’s thought of me and went out of his way to find me something I would love. Love languages are so so important friends! Take them seriously!

Make Intimacy A Priority

You knew I would have to talk about sex, right? I really don’t even think sex is the most important form of intimacy. Yes…sex rocks…but intimacy is more than just sex. Intimacy actually just means closeness. After Austen, when we were so tired, we instituted Make Out Monday. Every Monday…after Austen was asleep…we made it a priority to make out. The goal was not for it to end in sex, just to be close. To have a glass of wine, turn off the TV, and be close. To intentionally make time for intimacy.

And y’all…science backs me up. Intimacy, closeness, even as simple as hugging makes you happier. Read the study, but a 10 second hug a day {you guys…10 seconds isn’t even that long} can reduce stress, lower your risk of heart disease, boost your immune system, fight infection, ease depression. Sign me the frick up!

So there we are friends!

Three of our tips. We have SO many more….SO many! If you’re local…take Building Blocks for Marriage at Crossroads! It’s worth your time! Promise!

I’m curious…if you could give one big tip for creating a strong marriage…what would it be?

These pictures were taken by my amazing neighbor, Leda with Lightstyle Photography If you’re local, check her out!

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234 Comments on Marriage…Our Tips and Tricks

  1. Love this!

    This may sound crazy, but making time for each of us to have alone time has been amazing for our marriage. My husband will pick a chunk of time where he goes off and does what he wants…by himself. Then I’ll do the same. We come home to each other and to our kids refreshed. We appreciate each other more if we get time to ourselves.

    • Oh I so so believe in this!! Alex even really needs time in our house alone, because he gets that so little these days! I think really communicating your needs is what is so important! Thanks for sharing!

  2. Love languages is a wonderful book! Mark and I also had different love languages. Love your writing on this. I plan to work harder on that mom and dad time after kids go to bed.

    • It’s so hard to carve out that time when you have littles, but even doing it once a week is better than nothing! Thanks Monica!

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